An Ongoing Conversation With a Friend of Steven’s
October, 2014:
I wanted to include some conversations I had with Steven’s friends shortly after his passing, as it really shows where my head and heart were at the beginning of my healing journey.
Me:
I thank you so much for the verses you sent me. I actually have been drinking them in daily. It's been like taking in medicine. Some days, bitter medicine that tastes unpleasant. As though not to wallow in my pain, would be letting go of Steven. I’m wallowing in the isolation of being misunderstood or simply not understood. It is learning to breathe in an emptiness that suffocates. Bottom line... I have to accept that this has happened. It's a done deal. His life here is over. Why, Why, why can I not accept this in my heart. Continue to pray for me. I truly do want to recover my life and live purposely, not pretending daily. I look at myself and I can't even believe it's me. Where did I go? I'm disappointed in myself. Please pray that once again soon, others will see Jesus in me. Thank you for being a loving son to me. Steven would have been loving on me, as you are, I love you.
Steven’s friend:
I'm so grateful those verses have encouraged you. You are those verses. I feel like verse 9 could be your life verse this last year +. You know one purpose, as to why: to make you rely on Him. That's all you can do right now. I'm glad He's working in your heart and holding you every moment. He's so strong and so loving to us. We are so small and needy and He just cares for us always. My friend shared Job 13:15 with me this morning. It's so you. Praying for you always! We love you and see Christ in you.
Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the LORD delivers him out of them all. - Psalm 34:19
And [Jesus] opened his mouth and taught them, saying:
"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
"Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. - Matthew 5:2-4
Me:
Thank you so much for thinking of me. I'm comforted by those passages you sent me in May. Psalms 34:15-20. I've been seeing a counselor from Caring for the Hearts. I'm a very practical person. My loss of Steven and how I'm connecting it to my purpose in life now, just doesn't make logical sense to me. I feel if I could understand how my heart and head are working against my future, I can live with more joy and move forward without Steven. My problem is...it's moving towards a year now and I have no intention or desire to move forward without him. I hate this. I miss him terribly. I'll never get over this and maybe that's really all I need to come to terms with. Thank you for listening, yet again. I hope you and your beautiful family are doing well. I know these early years as a young family brings lots of stress and struggles. I hope you and your wife juggle well, forgive well, and love well. I love you.
Months Later. . .
Me:
I'm not the same person now and Everything about my life is different. I feel like that's the way God wants it for reasons I don't understand. I've come to realize it's the longest, deepest journey He has ever taken me on. And so I trust.
Steven’s friend:
Do you feel like this world and this life aren't your home at all? I'm sorry life is so difficult. I'm reading James 1 right now, I'm sure you know it well. "Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life which God has promised to those who love Him."
From him on learning of my cancer:
Wow, Mrs. Powell. Praise God for His care for you in this. I'm so thankful to hear that and encouraged by you. I know Steven would be so proud of you. He'd be blown away. We will be lifting you up continually as you walk through this. We love you dearly! What an encouragement in the faith you are. What a faithful saint and picture of God's mercies through suffering. God is so great.