The Day I Walked Through My Body
Feb 9, 2019
This is by far my oddest chemo day. I’ve been walking through my body. I’ve been experiencing it as territories or weather/temperature zones or maybe a hiking adventure. Maybe I just have camping on the brain. So many metaphors along this journey today. This was really the only chemo day I wished someone was here with me. I’m feeling everything physically and could probably come up with about 50 adjectives to describe it.
I started in my brain and I didn’t really know where to go from there. God held my arm just above my elbow with His arm under mine. As He folded my arm up, He said He’d place it in a groove on the right side of my brain and He told me to keep following the wall all the way around until I heard everything necessary. That caught my attention right there! Not “see” everything but “hear” everything!
I’m definitely causing a bit of concern for my nurse in the infusion center and it’s all God’s plan. I’ve been sweating, freezing, itchy, throwing up, dizzy, crying, blinded, shaking, laughing, trembling, hungry, and a couple other things. I’ve told my nurse that I’m actually fine but that I need them to not talk to me. This is as bold as I’ve ever been with them. Lol. Too much to process in such a much shorter time. I just want to go home now. I’m too overloaded. I may feel differently later, but I don’t think I or anyone, could possibly live long enough to process all that I’ve seen and heard today.
There’s simply NO WAY I can do this on my own. I see what you did there, God! What an amazing day. . . an amazing God! You all can’t even imagine what He did for me today. Every chemo day is a realization of a life lesson. Just know and trust that your body is more than what gets you from point A to point B. Take better care. It’s the vessel you came in and the vessel you’ll leave behind. It’s Home. I’m a bit shaky and weepy. It was so simple and basic, yet so intense with richness and multiple layers of information, understanding, and generosity.
Why, why, why was all this necessary? Why did I need to “see” and “hear”? This will process out to be the simplest, sweetest, loving of gifts to me. He never ceases to amaze me. I thought it was all quite enough to have the joy of Anna, my new sweet friend, beside me and holding my hand for dear life all day. I’m overwhelmed with the blessings of this day. What a beautiful God we love and serve.
Okay, I need to explain about Anna. She speaks no English at all. I speak very little Spanish. I was the only patient in the room at the time when she arrived, with at least 20 empty chairs around me. She walked in and sat right next me. She could have sat anywhere else. I could see the terror in her eyes. I knew instantly, I was there today for her.
I had no idea how God would use me. She was scared, shaking, and crying. This was her first chemo day. As she got her vitals taken, I smiled and held her hand. With my other hand, I looked up words of comfort in Spanish. If you know anything about me, you know this was a miracle in itself, one-handed texting, as normally I can hardly manage my phone with even two hands. I also text my kids about the situation. My son, Brian suggested I download an app that would allow her to speak and it would translate for me. Where was this when I went to Mexico during my Senior year of high school?
This ended up being a priceless tool for us. We were able to communicate. I learned that she was nervous and anxious. She told me that they gave her husband a prescription for her Ativan. I cringed. Again, if you know me at all, there was no way I could not offer alternatives to this harmful drug. You know, the infinite amount of natural medicines that God created for us; Goji berries, herbs, turmeric, mushrooms, teas, etc. The list really is endless.
I made Anna laugh at how I was talking about God, like He was another friend on the other side of me for whom I was also translating. I told her how beautiful this day could be for her if she started looking around and searching for beauty in the room. I asked her to try to be still and told her that smiling helps (fake it til ya make it sometimes). I told her that she could hold my hand as long as she needed to. I wasn’t going anywhere until she was ready to leave. I could tell she was really trying. After about two hours or so, I looked over and she was crying. I just wanted to make sure she was okay and not in pain, so I asked. She patted my hand and said, very simply, “very nice day.” She fell asleep shortly after that. Yes indeed, very nice day! My cup runneth over!
I know all of this is kind of out there sometimes. . .but I just can’t help it. I don’t know why it happens to me but it just does. I’m actually a kind, normal, practical, and loving person. Nothing super bizarre here.
A response from a dear friend:
My heart is filled reading this. To me, that story is like the story of an entire life - each one of our lives. How beautiful. . .
Me:
Thank you for that! I love sharing what God's doing. It IS pretty amazing. Trust me. . . it's not without backlash. But that's okay. God prepared me for that too. It's all okay.
My Friend:
The challenge is the blessing.
Me:
I need to and love going to chemo all by myself. I’m strong alone... and I’m a mush with family there. I can’t get “still.” I’d regret not having the opportunity for God to pour into me. He wants my undivided attention and I’ll give no less. I’m pretty selfish on this point. I feel my opportunities are numbered. I want them ALL! I’d love it if you could pray over me.
P.S.
I have been getting increasing backlash. Loving, well-intended, Christians are concerned for my health, my brain, heart, and soul. I love them dearly, but they can’t hinder my praise. It feels like I’ll be denying God to appease the world. They haven’t experienced THIS, so it’s hard to believe or to relate. I get it. I was there. But now I feel like, "Why NOT?”
From what I’ve learned, and continue to learn about this reality and of God itself, I know that literally anything is possible. And if ANYTHING is possible, that means that EVERYTHING is possible, and that nothing is IMPOSSIBLE. It’s a matter of trust and faith. If God is with me, in whom shall I be afraid! Psalm 27:1
Feb 20, 2019:
Processing It all. . . .
I’ve been trying to process what was given to me yesterday, on my walk through my body. Starting with my brain. . .not so much what I saw, but what I heard. This will take months, I’m sure.
Words, phrases, instructions, speed, overlapping, realizations, intensity, Love.
God is telling me that certain things that I’m holding on to about my son, Steven, just to have everything I can keep of him, are of no benefit to me. They have no useful purpose for the better of me. They may actually be harming me. I need to trust and have faith and purge them from my brain to make room for the new, the useful, to become more intuitive, and to know how to love better. I sat there bargaining with God, in order to keep pieces of what I know I need to purge. He instantly played a rolodex of instances in my brain. It was intense, voluminous, and stifling. These things of Steven were wasting my time, which is kind of precious these days. Lesson learned!
Heartbreaking as it initially was, I conceded, joyfully. It doesn’t mean I have to get rid of everything about Steven, of course. I get to hold onto my memories and the beauty of him in so many ways. I must rid just the unnecessary. I really feel like the more God shows me what needs to be purged from my brain, the more room I’ll have for Love and ultimately the more I’ll be filled with Love. It’s the whole point! So I’m just there for today. I’m exhausted and feeling a bit unwell. . .to be expected. Relatively speaking, I’m really great.
P.S.
I witnessed a guy trying to escape the hospital today. I feel ya buddy!
