Thoughts About Losing Steven
April 8, 2015:
I sent this message to a friend when I was in search of answers after my son passed away a few months prior.
Me:
As his friend, as someone who truly loved him and was loved in return.....and now he is Gone.....how are you doing? If you're fine, How did you get there? What did you tell yourself to make it alright? I know and understand that all people have loss. What are they doing with that? Are they all walking around pretending or are they somehow justifying what had taken place or What? What does someone who truly loves Jesus and is not at all angry with him, do to make it ok that someone is no longer accessible, physically, or otherwise. I just wasn't ready. I'm not ready. I'm not anything. I'm stuck in a time slot and everything is moving by and around me. This doesn't seem normal. I feel like I should have adjusted to all of this by now. What's wrong with me? Should I be showing more faith? Should I be trusting in God for more in my day... in my life. What is my behavior showing as a witness to my relationship with Jesus......of course I know you don't have all the answers to everything… but if you recognize a pattern here, that maybe I need a good talking to about, I'm willing. Sorry to bring you into this. Love you.
My friend:
Please don't say you're sorry when you ask me for help. I want to help as much as I possibly can!!! It is never a bother.
I don't think there is a "normal" place that you're supposed to be.
I don't think that you are exhibiting any characteristics that aren't normal.
You weren't ready, and to be honest you never would have been ready. Who could be? No one.
I know that you're on a search to find a place of normalcy in your life. That's like cutting off your left arm and trying to go about your daily routine as if you still had two arms.
You will likely always feel some pain. That's okay and that is normal. The only "normal" thing to do moving forward is to enjoy the family you have here and to continue to live for Jesus as much as He gives you strength.
I love you so much. You are never ever bothering me when you contact me.