Brian and Steven Visit + Another Song


February 18, 2020

I was thoroughly exhausted before I even got to the hospital at 11 o’clock. It took almost 2 hours to get my labs back and get the go-ahead to start chemo today. I was anxious for Colleen to be on her way, so I would have little distraction. She needed to stay as long as she did though because there's always the chance that bad numbers would send me home. This would be a short day, maybe an hour and a half of deep meditation. I kept praying that God would meet me. I really need a longer day to go into deep levels, but it was a very sweet day, short and simple. Or was it simple?

I was given a song to listen to and then to read to myself out loud. God gave it to me. I can't say I previously knew the song or the words correctly or in its entirety before today. BUT, I promptly read it to myself, without error.  

I'm home now and barely can say the entire chorus. I'm not even sure I have ever really heard this song at all, before today. Very interesting. This song came out of nowhere, to me. I haven't processed this out yet. I guess I feel it will be a no-brainer, as I read and assess the metaphors and lessons, the connections to and in my life, and how these words relate to each other. I know only one thing, this song is going to be used as a life lesson for me about God, myself, my cancer, and the life I'm living. Two songs given to me in two weeks!


Again, if you know this song, do yourself a favor and don't sing it in your head, read it to yourself. . .


A THOUSAND YEARS

Christina Perri, David Hodges

Heart beats fast

Colors and promises

How to be brave

How can I love when I'm afraid to fall

But watching you stand alone

All of my doubt, suddenly goes away

somehow

One step closer

I have died everyday, waiting for you

Darling, don't be afraid, I have loved you

for a thousand years

I’ll love you for a thousand more

Time stands still

Beauty in all she is

I will be brave

I will not let anything, take away

What’s standing in front of me

Every breath, every hour has come to this

One step closer

I have died everyday, waiting for you

Darling, don’t be afraid, I have loved you

For a thousand years

I’ll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed, I would find you

Time has brought your heart to me, I have

Loved you for a thousand years

I’ll love you for a thousand more

One Step closer

One step closer

I have died everyday, waiting or you

Darling, don’t be afraid, I have loved you

for a thousand years

I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed, I would find you

Time has brought your heart to me, I have

loved you for a thousand years

I’ll  love you for a thousand more


Well, there I have it… now for the work. I love music. So, He met me where I live. I have no idea of the songs’ true or intended meaning. This song will be taking on an entirely new meaning just for me. I was a little anxious, as I felt this was a fairly easy one to process through. It seemed so cut-and-dry. Aren't I amusing and naive? I wanted to understand it all right then, but I fell asleep. God and his sense of humor!  



Back to Chemo day. . .

At one point, I knew I was seeing quick flashes of something I hadn't seen before, but I couldn’t hold onto it. It was in my visual frame, down in the far left corner. It was extremely bright, almost unbearable, but I got a sense that any discomfort would be temporary. I was just exhausted from the effort of trying to focus and succeed.   

Before I knew it, I looked up to find Brian, my son, standing in front of me and Steven, my son, was beside him. They were quite aware of each other. They were having a conversation about me. I’m sure at some point, it will all process out and make sense to me, but right now, I can't say I understand what they were talking about, even though I heard every word.


Steven

Brian, you have to lift that for her.


Brian

Steven, you’re so much better at that than I am.


Steven

If I was the one that was supposed to do it, I would have already done it.

*They just stared at each other in silence for just a few seconds*

Brian

Steven, this has been cool.

Steven

Yes, it has.

They spoke, for what seemed to be an hour or so, but in reality, it was probably more like 20-30 minutes. Watching the interaction, seemed as it ever was, simple, fun, and thoughtful. There was an uncomfortable pause, as Steven implied, without words, that he had to get going. Brian just looked at him and said, “I know.”

 
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They hugged for more than a few seconds and Steven was gone. I'm not even going to try to describe that image. In the reality of which I was observing, this whole interaction went on for far longer, but for the life of me, I can’t make sense enough of it to write it down. Unlikely a coincidence. I blinked and Brian was gone. My brain and my heart dwelled on that last visual for as long as I could recall it clearly. I fell asleep crying in the moment. I’ve been quite weepy ever since.

To me, it was so real, it literally happened. . .so tangible. I can’t or don't want to let go of the image of those two brothers embracing, a visual memory I haven’t entertained in five years. I wasn't uncomfortable. I knew I was seeing something I might not see again for quite some time, maybe never again, not that it wouldn't happen. I just may not have the opportunity to witness it. It was a beautiful moment that I’ll treasure for eternity. My children love well and they bless me beyond words.

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