I need discipline
August, 29, 2020
I need the discipline, bravery, and reason to fight this increasingly tough battle. I've never wanted to be healed so badly. The new chemo drugs in combination with a drug to boost white cell count, leaves me in a really bad way. I've been incredibly blessed and I'm so thankful for my very high pain threshold.
As I watch what happens to me mentally and physically, for about 7-10 days after chemo, I feel like I'm watching someone else's life. In my mind, there are so many things I'd love to be able to achieve in a day and in the time I have left, but my body will not and can not accommodate me any longer. My new medication leaves me in an unexpected and uncharacteristically emotional state. That's the hardest fight because it causes me to think and feel things that I don't recognize as something that pertains to the me that I know I am. Holding on to the reality of that notion, when physical pain is so prevalent, it is almost impossible, even for the toughest and most strong willed humans. I count myself among them.
I strongly believe in prayer. I'm praying over myself. I’m praying over my children, their spouses, their children. There are just no words. I can't even express how blessed, how thankful and how loved I am. I know it full well. I don't want to be apart from these absolutely wonderful treasures God has so lovingly and graciously entrusted to me over these many decades. We've done earthly life together well. We've had so much fun and we were blessed to have grown in life lessons at just about the same pace. We fought some of the same life battles together. We are fierce. We're not for everyone. We were and are who we needed to be for this path we were destined to walk. I can't imagine loving bigger than I love my people. I know and pray they will always strive and long to connect, learn from each other, accept each other and love on each other well, through eternity.