I’m a Liar
October 1, 2020:
The following is my experience and reflection on what I saw at chemo last week.
My Father has impressed on me today that I've been deceiving myself and many others. I don't tell myself or anyone what I truly think and believe most of the time. I hold back. I go only halfway. I'm not my true self. I lie by my omission. I've been selfish. I truly wasn't aware of this. God gave me life lessons, thoughts, revelations, and visuals and I internalized them, to a large degree. Most weren't meant just for me and apparently, I knew that. I believe this is a conditioning from early childhood.
Now. . . to begin this daunting challenge. I have a genuine fear of hurting people. I'd take on just about anything not to have that heavy burden. It weighs me down. It changes my spirit. When I've ever hurt someone, I knew I'd carry it for the rest of my life, even if I've asked for and received forgiveness. I've pleaded and prayed to be a braver person. God has shown me that I need to have more faith and trust in Him, that He will carry this for me. He will help me rid myself of this habit. I surrendered many times before, but my fleshly, willful self keeps sliding back into subconscious control. He knows I've done it my whole life, but there's no time or room for that now.
My Father impressed on me that when I'm back, I don't speak up and I’m not totally honest. It hinders His plans and lessons for others. Of course, he can do anything full out, but He wants me to come to it on my own, to perfect the process in myself. We're all connected and interwoven. My life means something and has effects on other souls on this planet. When I'm less of me, I'm less of a benefit and contributor to someone else's growth or healing. I'm cheating them. . . and myself.
Wow, how do I uncondition myself from the walls of protection I've subconsciously put in place, concerning this issue. Where do I begin? Why and how did I ever start building this defense for myself? I've been impressed on, that I'll never have to do it alone. I felt immediately that there wouldn't be enough time to undo so much to become as brave as I understand I need to become. As soon as I thought this, I knew there actually would be time enough, down to the second. God's gentle whisper. I truly believe these whispers come to everyone all the time. We tend not to listen. We dismiss our God-given intuition. I'm going to take myself out of that equation. I know and have been quite aware and listen all the time. I'm constantly looking for where God is at work because I've seen it. I've seen the benefit in my own life.
Chemo today was kind of like a movie at the beginning. It was musical. The words were wavy and drawn out, over and over. . .“You're a liar. You're a liar. You're a liar.” The benefit of it was that I wasn't in denial about this. I owned it from the beginning. I knew it was undoubtedly stemmed from childhood trauma. I’m aware that what has occurred in me was for the most part, totally subconscious. Walls I knew nothing about. However, I admit to consciously building walls in my adulthood. I've embraced that fact and have been intentional about breaking those down, with great success.
My Father impressed on me that, what I say, what I think, what I do, who I am. . . was and is, all because of Him. . . and we are one.
I WILL address these issues. I WILL work on being a braver human and being forthcoming. This will be a major challenge for my comfort zone. What do I have to lose though? Things will happen as they are willed. I have to trust that and embrace it. I'm also going to pray that enlightened words will come out of my mouth. Without doubt, I trust that I'm going to be learning and be used till my last breath. This is so encouraging to me. I think back to where I was, mentally and emotionally in 2016, and I get great perspective as to how far I've come. I'm a very loved child of the king. I never could have done it by myself. I was too broken a person. I'm new. I'm so happy. I've learned more in 6 years than I've learned in my whole life. I'm going to pray and meditate over the new me that will eventually emerge because of today's life lesson. I love my life.