Kevin and Brian Plead for an awakening
March 23, 2017:
Chemo Day
My adrenaline is ready to burst out of my body. I hope you see how unlikely this is to be happening to me. I'm just anybody. Clearly, God does use everyone. It was so amazing. Way different than other chemo days, in terms of what God gave me.
I should have learned by now never to assume or have a plan of what my chemo day might bring. It was completely unexpected and intense. My nurse kept coming over and making sure the medication was not doing this to me. I do not like attention or to be the center of things, but I had no control over it. I was crying uncontrollably. I was definitely the focal point of everyone's day. I just can't even believe that. But God let that happen too. What a sense of humor He has. Knowing me as He does, I'll bet He got a big kick out of that.
It was quite a day. I was there from 7am and didn't get home til 6pm. It was so beautiful, but so scary for this mom. I don't know what to make of what God gives me in my head on chemo day when I'm still. I initially saw these experiences as being like a parable… metaphor, maybe. I'm understanding more and more. He's guiding me to think on a much deeper yet simpler level. He is so sweet, tender, and generous to me. He loves me. I am worthy! Did I really just say that out loud?!
I've investigated and asked all my caregivers. None of my medications have any hallucinogens. I believe these chemo day experiences to be completely God-given. I just don't have all the answers or the why of it yet. The only thing I know for certain is that Jesus is the answer to everything. Love is who He is and we all don't pray enough.
I've learned so much about the importance of being still, but clearly I have a long way to go. Stillness was never something I gave any thought or attention to. I filled my day and my life with anything but being still. I didn’t know what could exist for me in stillness.
This was my first unpleasant experience during chemo.
During chemo today, I came to understand the fact that I have rejected stillness throughout my days. My whole life, really. Why would I reject or rebel against more of these valuable moments with the Father, in lieu of my own agenda? What a waste! I've conditioned myself for rushed and busy days. I've asked God to let my days be His will… but I’ve continued living as I saw necessary.
Stillness is necessary.
He wants to be with us. To have us all to himself. But even more valuable to Him, is for us to want time with Him, all to ourselves. Just think of the need we have to love on and snuggle and speak words over our precious children. What joy it brings to us as parents, grandparents. Imagine how God feels.
I’ll share what I saw during chemo yesterday…
I can only describe it in terms of what I know or what I’ve already seen in my life. The setting was, what looked like, Central Park. The grounds of the park were filled with thousands of people. There were huge boulder-platforms, where my sons, Kevin and Brian, took turns shouting to people. Only one could stand on the boulder at a time. Hours and hours. Days. When one would tire, the other brother would step up to the platform. It was extremely physically draining. They both shed many tears. They were trying to warn them, trying to help people see what was truly happening. There was so little time and they cared so much. Everyone that loved them were there to support and encourage them, grieving. Kevin and Brian both knew they didn’t have a choice other than to speak, no matter the consequences. The military and police were present and at the ready. Kevin and Brain had to do this.
We all knew how this would end. I’m their mom. My heart is in pieces.
A response from my forever Friend:
Wow! You are in a place of beautiful intimacy with Him. I don't think any of these are hallucinations! I think you are just open to receive His blessings. I thank God for the gifts He is giving to you! Remember He said, "What I whisper to you in the darkness, shout from the rooftops when daylight comes." I hope you are journaling!! I love you so much. Thank you for sharing your joy with me. Unexpected blessings through my phone!!
Me:
I get images and truths like this every chemo day. I hardly share the specifics. It just blows my mind. Many folks may think I have quite the imagination. I get fearful or anxious that when chemo ends, these little gifts from God will end. Kevin pointed out to me that if God could show me these wonders during chemo, He could just as easily show Me if I'm sitting in a chair outside looking at a tree. Indeed.