Today It Was Me
April 12, 2017
God’s been my constant companion these many years. So reliable. Always able to trust His promises. Never even a need to doubt. I've felt so lonely and alone most of my life. I've always had Him to talk to, to rationalize things with, to be accountable with, to find strength in, to persevere because of, to find comfort in during my thoughts of unworthiness, to carry me when I've convinced myself that my reality is not worth starting or finishing the day for, to love me when I’ve convinced myself that I'm too unloveable.
“I hope you're feeling well. I worry about you. I wish there was some way I could help you feel better.”
Wait! Wow. Where did that come from? I didn't write that part. It just appeared.
Me, a highly insignificant person to most, but to my Father, I'm everything. He knows my worth. He's allowing me to see the beauty, the lovely, the significance, in the tossed away, neglected, the saddened, the lonely. They need to see Jesus. To hear of Him, personally, to give love and accept love from Him, to make Him known, and to understand that THIS ALONE matters. This is the Hope I have in Christ. My earthly, fleshly, self feels so small, so unimportant, and really more trouble than worth.
My sweet Father, what are you preparing me for? Why have you given all of this to me? Surely, there is a reason. It's been beautiful, intense, and unexpected. Please help me to do this well, to honor You, to give You glory, to make less of me and more of You! I accept and appreciate Your grace and Your never-ending mercy. I long to be at your feet, but if you choose to use me, please mold me to be bolder and articulate, as to be at the ready. Let me be credible and function well in any role You chose for me at will. Please help me to be humble and teach me to be still. Place in me a desire to want to be "still". Please show me sooner than later, how to convey to folks how truly easy You've made all of this. To know and define this "processed" reality and how it differs from the reality You have created for us. Help me to wallow in these things You have shown me to be true. Help me to accept this new me You have shown me I am. Help me to trust that You alone can and will use me as You see fit. Let me be okay with the uncomfortable and uncertain, for You are certain and in control of ALL.
I waste time. I waste money. I waste words. I waste concern. I could be having more time with You. Teach me to love well. Teach me to hoard words. Teach me to purge thoughts that do not speak or show examples of Your glory in me and my life. SLOW ME DOWN. Help me to see, in the moment, that it's only what You have planned, that's important. My agenda is prideful. You want me to succeed. I am Yours. I am Your lovely daughter. Your love for me is undefinable by me. Your love for all is not understandable. We all will not be with You. Loving well makes our reality easier to endure, and to focus on the kingdom.
The life I’m living, my facts are not truth. Truth has not ever changed. I need to trust, acknowledge, and embrace the HOLY SPIRIT and get out of my own way. All of my days, 58 years, have been planned to be groomed for acceptance and to conform to the realities shown to me…in such a time as this. Never be prideful of this. It will never be about us. Do this well! It's a little thing. It could be seen as a big thing because we measure things in life, on a scale we've designed in our minds, to justify ANYTHING. Don't be fooled by your ego. Satan loves you in that place. God has a grand plan. Don't limit this plan by your self-imposed limitations. He had been equipping me, slowly. For I have been withholding and guarding myself for especially those whose lives he had entrusted me for a blink in time.
Wow. This is all overwhelming in my brain. Lord, please help me to see all of this and see myself, through your eyes. Help me to truly embrace that "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me". Please hold me up and comfort me in my anxiousness and fear about letting go of where I am and in the comfortable. I love you Lord but I feel so weak. Help me not to doubt your strength. Help me to remember that you’re bigger than all the battles I've ever faced and all the battles ahead of me. Help me to love the seemingly unlovable things in my life. Help me to see them as you do. Crush me so I can see you clearly. Take away my pride and doubt. Teach me to consistently be still and listening. Teach me to wallow in You and long for this. Teach me to long for your words, to listen, and to hear what you have for me.
Father, I am so grateful for all of this. I don't know what to make of it. I don't know why you've chosen to talk to me like this but I'm listening and I'm loving my days with You. This is beautiful to me. I know this doesn't make sense but I hear You in colors and music. I also know You did that for me because You know me and You love me like no one can. You are so beautiful. Words definitely don't work but, Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I love you
I always wonder what or who God will give me on chemo day. It was so humbling to realize that today…it was me.
Every chemo day I tell myself and my daughter, Colleen, that I’m not going to share what I’ve experienced. Then something happens and God gives me courage and just enough boldness to share. Nothing ever happens that He didn’t mean to have happened.