On Taking up my Cross + Healing + Freedom in Christ
January 23, 2019:
My dear friend asked me these questions after my chemo day t his week. . . .
“How would you define freedom in Christ?“
“What are your views on healing?“
And, “what is your definition of taking up our cross and following Jesus?”
The following are my responses.
On taking up my cross. . . .
I think most of us have heard the expression spoken by someone at least once in our lives, "we all have our cross to bear". In my early years, I never gave it much thought, other than to think of it as something in our lives that is the absolute burden or the heaviest struggle in our lives. Maybe even thinking it was ours until we die. I, too, can look back and see the life markers of seasons in my life that I felt whatever I was going through, was mine to suffer through without relief, forever, but I was wrong. Over my lifetime, it has taken on escalating meanings, but it is, in reality, the simplest of things. Yet, deeper and more intense as I've come to know more of God.
As I wrote to my children, on the day I was diagnosed, I remembered that my husband, Joe, had been diagnosed with dementia a month after my son, Steven's earthly death. I was starting to envision a fresh start to a new and exciting life. That was for a short while before September 26, 2016. God's view and my view had been vastly different. But on that day, they were One and I had the joy in choosing. Yes, I had this battle before me, and the battles I carried with me and the battles I left behind. Now I would carry whatever, for what I now knew was a love thing, an eternity thing, an "it has nothing to do with me” thing. I chose to make more of Him and less of me. I'm outta here!
Taking up my cross and carrying it for Christ led to self-reflection. Who am I? How many faces do I have? Who does Christ know me to be? Will I walk that long hard painful path? Will I die to whatever I've done, to be who I am now? Can I easily walk away from what I know to be safety or comfort? What will I answer when asked the hard questions that could take my earthly life? It may be a dark night you'll live through in the answering, but joy comes in the morning. Even if you've known pain your whole life, it's still just a speck on the line of eternity at the feet of Christ. For me, all those questions were answered, as though I just blinked and it was so. I'm at peace. What's going to happen is going to happen and the sun shall rise another day.
On Healing. . . .
Well, I guess I believe it's all in the perspective you choose to stand on. Is my body clean of disease, toxins, and brokenness? Or is my body in a condition of usefulness? For me, It's a matter of trust and faith. I'm choosing to trust God to bring me to the point of usefulness, as it brings glory to Him. I feel that my broken body, Avonlea's broken body, Evangeline's broken body, and countless others have been useful in many ways to show the glory of an amazing God. I do, however, believe that we should pray big and bold. I think we should pray for healing, but without expectation. He wants the best for us, but through His eyes, not ours. . .we know nothing.
I choose to believe I will or I won't be healed, that's almost not the point. It's how you suffer. There’s a saying, “When you learn HOW to suffer. . . you suffer much less.” If you can pray boldly to have joy and see beauty as you suffer, it all starts to look beautiful, even the pain, the ugly, the hurtful, the sad. It all becomes a reflection of who I am. And to God, I'm everything! Healing, for me, was accepting that my healing from God might only occur in my mind and not my body. The acceptance of whatever healing He gifted me with, in this place, is only going to bring me to a better understanding of Him, to see all the glory that He is. . . and in turn, myself, and to see all the glory that I am.
On freedom In Christ. . . .
Throughout my life, I found myself never without hope, but yet drowning in the unforeseen pits of earthly, fleshly life. I accepted my life as Christ's when I was 12. God became my everything when I was in my early twenties, but His timetable with me was not mine, Yet! I needed to feel that I had worth on this earth. My life lessons were long and difficult to get to the point of knowing it wasn't all about me. By the time I nearly reached my 6th decade, my greatest battle would be placed in my lap.
I know some may think it’s my cancer, but it wasn't. The loss of Steven was the greatest battle that my physical, emotional, psychological, and spiritual self had ever known. To live, to pretend, to be was a daily tortuous hell. For two years, God carried me through existence. I won't even say it was life. To what end, I didn't know. All I was acutely aware of was that He was holding me and not letting go. When I became aware of what God would give me in my mind and whole being when I was "still" with Him… everything changed. It changed LIFE for me. There was new hope and an acceptance of my new reality. It was when I surrendered “that” self of me, on the day I was diagnosed (September 26, 2016), that a new ME began living. . . really living.
I never cried over me, ever. I remember talking to God, saying “Please, please... let me do this well for you. Please!” I wasn't even certain what I meant by that. I did know I wanted to bring glory to Him. I had not felt joy at all, in two years. I decided there was none left to be had. Yet that morning, I was filled with more joy than I had ever known in my whole life. My perspectives on the issues of life, the concerns of daily living, the moments troubled over, the unnecessary wants and desires in a day, took on a whole different set of clothing for me. I found myself aware of my language to people, as to not seem like I was insensitive or uncaring, but in my mind, I was thinking, "It just doesn't matter."
God is taking care of everything. It's going to happen and it's going to be done. I was changed. I wanted to meet people where they were and love on them well, (which is the whole point), in Joy for Him, not because of what He had done for me and my life, but just because of who He is. I wasn't even really conscious of the fact that I was no longer concerned about trivial things. I wasn't insulted by people. I didn't try to keep up with anyone or be anything other than the being that God was guiding me to be every day. I still struggle with being brave, but I know I'll do whatever I'm to do, when He chooses for me to do it. I have Joy. I am Free!