Pleading for Avonlea
Jan 22, 2019:
The following text was written during my infusion, just as I experienced it. I was typing as fast as I could, as it was all coming in. It may be a bit tricky to follow as there’s a lot of back and forth. although it may not make sense to anyone who reads it, this was the conversation I had with God. . . .
The notion of being is not qualified by the fact that I was born or that I will die. I was, I am and I will be. I’m finding myself bargaining over the life of my granddaughter, Avonlea, to no avail. God is telling me that she doesn’t need my intercession. She’s complete. She’s whole and is in total. She’s ALL!
I’m pleading until I have no strength. Why do I feel like I need my arms to do this? I can’t lift my arms. I’m trying to lift myself up to be in her way. Like He can only get to her through me. That’s hilarious! I have to laugh at myself. Avonlea and I are the same age. He’s calling me His child. I’m with her. I’ll BE with her. I am her. We are everywhere and we’re everyone.
Why won’t I stop bargaining? Even after You show me, I’m still at it! Who the heck do I think I am?! I can totally do this. It’s an easy call. I feel this would be a really favorable turn. Please God reconsider. Please, please, please. I’m depleted from the effort. I can’t even swallow. I want to leave now. I think I’m pouting because I didn’t get my way. I AM A CHILD! OMG, I know, I know. You just told me that.
Okay. Then just let her see it. Ohhhhhh…you want ME to see it! Oh… you can’t do that, because You love her! She’s everything. She doesn’t need more. . .here, there or anywhere. Her path is full and lined with all that she needs.
I’m feeling more peaceful about this now. She’s a word there is no word for. I need answers…but do I? Nope. I’m thinking I do, but I’ll concede the point. I’m too exhausted to fight this issue. But… I may need to understand a bit more about this. What could possibly be lost? Okay, okay I’ll be silent. Pressing matters? Really, for me? Aside from the fact that I’m so very thirsty! What do you mean... what exactly is Your point? I’m too weak to drink! Ahh, so metaphors all over the place, right? Oh gosh, here it comes. . . where will I get enough strength to drink? Lord, I see what you did there. Yup! There it is right there.
Lord, I gotta say, thank you for playing with me right now. It’s taking me right back to the little sparrow that I am. Like you have time for the utter nonsense in my head right now! Yes, You do. I have your absolute attention, and You have mine! It’s just us and I’m all alone in this little corner in this huge room! There’s another metaphor. How can “not caring” about people be good for me? Oh. . . it’s just for a season. Well, that’s better. . . though, I may need some help with that. Yes, I know You know. It will have limits? Gotcha…well actually I don’t, but I know you’ll lift me for the win!
I am love. What a great filler. I’m so tired.
You’ll do well.
Thank you for that. Can I just rest on your shoulder?
You DO!
Beautiful. Well, back to Avie for one minute then.
No, not now.
Well then when?
Be still.
But she’s important.
Yes, she is. She’s Mine! In love I say Mine, not yours.
I am energy with skin on! I’m an aura in a human suit! I’m a floating vessel of love. To take on more and be filled with the unnecessary would be lacking in humility. I am simple and I’m extremely complex, for I already am everything. And it all happened and is at the hand of God! It’s for the good of all to seek the vastness inside of themselves, as well as the vastness outside of them. You’ll find more energies that are yours and you are theirs. We exist because God designed us that way.
Love. We are weakened without that which was given. We feel it. We see the evidence of it. God lets us see it on this level because we didn’t rise. Otherwise, we wouldn’t NEED to see it. Trust that there’s more! (hint: there’s always more) It exists. We are that which exists. We are in His image! We are entrusted with the power of the Holy Spirit. Wake up! It’s been buried. Let it rise again. The power of the Universe, the Christ that lives within you... yearn to, seek to, know that, it WILL be revealed in tremendous glory. It will have nothing to do with the self you call YOU!
I was going to just dismiss this because I didn’t think it was necessary, but now I think it is very necessary. I knew what the possibilities of this day were, but I didn’t want to assume anything. That was pretty hard not to do, considering my previous interactions with God. I did, on some level, say to myself, I’d like to ask God if we can talk about the Bible. Then, I sat down and chemo began. Instantly, I was in His presence. I could feel I was enveloped. He whispered to me, “You’re showing me you want to speak about the Bible when you really want to talk about Avonlea.”
I truly had no idea that I was at all conscious of anything but what I asked of Him. I had a lot of questions about the Bible. I knew I was being comforted as he asked me, “Do you really not feel that you could come to me and ask Anything, even if the answer could be No?” Of course, I knew that! Fear and pride got in my way. I wanted it too badly to be told no! I’m still a child. But He loves me through all my weaknesses. . . of which there are many. He covers me in mercy and I feel it. Otherwise, my guilt and shame would be too heavy to carry. He knows all these things about me and scatters grace all over me. I can hold my head up high and put two feet on the floor every morning. I can live another day, as thankful as I can be that I have love, I can give love and I am love. God is awesome.
Christ lives within me, we are that close, that united, we are but one. . . therefore, I can know that I’m talking to Myself.
In the Gospel, He speaks of empowering us. . .
“But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you” Acts 1:8
“Behold, I give unto you power to tread on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy: and nothing shall by any means hurt you” Luke 10:19-20
“If anyone has anything to say, let it be as the words of God; if anyone has the desire to be the servant of others, let him do it in the strength which is given by God; so that in all things God may have the glory through Jesus Christ, whose are the glory and the power forever” 1 Peter 4:11
Often we dismiss this or glaze over it, as though it's just not in the realm of possibility. We lack belief…tremendously so. All things are possible in Christ Jesus. People, please. . . .look for it and believe it of yourself. He gives us all good things for the best of us. Believe! So even in my very baby-step way, I see that He’s already given the answers, in so many ways.
It’s Always through Him. But Him is huge. I have no concrete idea why God chose to impose these things in my mind, primarily on my chemo days. I totally understand how someone could read what I write and label it all sorts of negative words that would try to undermine the validity of their worth and show me to be a fool. However, I choose to believe that nothing they say nor their unbelief has anything to do with me. It has everything to do with them. I have nothing to gain for myself in speaking the truth that’s been shown to me with other people. I was simply called.
To believe is to get a glimpse of God on a whole new level. He’s limitless. He CAN do anything. There’s more, so much more in an intimate relationship with Him than we’ve been taught to believe. Just because we believe and have emotion and can read. . . Don’t stop there! I may be called a lot of things, have mean, hurtful things said to me, and be completely, utterly doubted, I just can’t let that concern me at this point. This is a once in a lifetime, precious gift that God has chosen to give ME! It still blows my mind and I’m completely humbled, grateful and a puddle to think of it. I may be just a baby in this beautiful thing going on, but without doubt, I’m a child of the King. I love you all beyond words.
I guess after rereading all of this, it may be necessary for some hearts to be clear. I was bargaining for my earthly body to be taken instead of Avonlea, ever before me. It’s not that I saw her leaving us at all. I just wanted to beg and plead for a possible unnecessary loss someday, to be swapped. I never had the chance to plead and beg for Steven. I wanted a chance, if there ever came that chance. Please, forgive me for being any kind of morbid. I feel like this conversation with God was out of my control but I know now it was for the better of me. These were things I needed to learn. He’s been teaching me all day. I’m in control of nothing and I have control over everything. These thoughts, these “learnings” are mine. I was meant to have them. Okay, I take that back then. . . maybe I don’t need your forgiveness. I love you.
I never went into this day thinking I wanted to beg and plead. I now know that wasn’t the point of it. God has His own way of impressing truths on us. I had lessons to learn. I’m thankful for a loving, forgiving God.
A response from my young Friend:
Wow, wow, wow, so amazing! Love you so much, Donna! How affirming your words were, especially about God being limitless… had a few conversations with a few believers in the last 24 hours about taking the lid off the box we've created in our sinful nature and have put God in… that when we take the lid off, we find He is limitless. . .The power of the Spirit is more than our minds can ask or imagine!
One conversation someone doubted, and I was just on the phone with her when you texted and several things you sent I had just shared with her in that conversation just moments ago… how affirming, how relieving, how beautiful.
I love you so much, Donna. Your body may be suffering, but your soul has been set free in Christ Jesus and that is so evident in your life… it's so beautiful.
How would you define freedom in Christ?
What are your views on healing?
And what is your definition of taking up our cross and following Jesus?