My Visit With Steven, Nani, and My Dad


October 1, 2019:

I never expect anything from anyone. I just need to share. I want you to know that I believe with all my heart and mind that God is personally, intimately handing these chemo day experiences over to me. This is very real to me. I’m still in awe of, not only what words I get, but the visuals I couldn’t begin to describe. Maybe if I could draw, I’d try. That’s all I dare ask of anyone is to have faith that God can do anything and please give me just a bit of grace. I Love you.


Immediately, I'm racing after Steven. I’m trying to catch up to him. 

Steven: “Mom, you know I can’t slow down right now, right?” 

Me: “I do know. I just want to be close, just in case you have a second. I have questions and I’d love a hug.” 

Steven: “You have all the answers you need, mom. Know what you know! It’s important.”

Steven was trying to divert my attention away from my own agenda! I had no choice. I had no control over what I wasn’t getting. What I wanted to get was, of course, whatever I wanted, when I wanted it. As I’m racing after Steven, I see my dad.

Me: “I can’t slow down right now Dad, but I’ll be back.”

*He calls out my name the same way he used to call me for dinner when I was a child playing out in the neighborhood.*

My Dad: “Doooonnaaa!”

Me: “Are you sad that I’m not stopping right now, Dad?” 

My Dad: “No. I’m stuck and I have questions and I want to say I’m so sorry. . . I just didn’t know."

*I’m yelling behind me as I run so he’ll hear me.*

Me: “What didn’t you know”?

My Dad: “I didn’t know any of this. I was listening to you, but I didn’t hear you and I’m sorry.”

Me: “It’s totally okay, Dad. I had already forgiven you. There’s nothing but love, Dad. Now just wallow in it.”

God says to me: “My child, run after ME! Only! I’m allowing you to stay here now and to feel what you feel and retain and think what you desire but... it will get increasingly harder every time, to assume comfort, mentally and spiritually here and there. Your Will, will weaken. It will be hard for you to discern from a choice and what IS. Continue to enjoy and float. You used to tell your children to have some choices made ahead of time because it will be way too difficult to make the right choice when you really need to. I’m giving you your own words... so as to find peace in choosing later. Then, in a true surrender and experience, knowing in complete confidence… IT WILL BE. As in the reality of it… in the knowing, IT IS!”


I have slight pain in my arm and a bit more pain than that in my abdomen. I can’t tell if either is real. I’m thirsty. I’m tired. I’m a bit nauseated. I want to linger though.

I was there, so I chose to look for Nani, my sweet mother-in-law. I felt like I needed to find her. I was really hoping BIG. I often think I see her in my everyday life, usually with someone that looks like her best friend, Elenor. Now those were two ladies that brought me a lot of joy and laughter beyond words. . . and they had no idea they were at all funny. I adored them!

I see her. She’s resting. “Nan, I’ve missed you so much,” I say to her. She replies, "I’m so glad to see you. I’ve been hoping I would see someone. I want to tell you something. I’m happy. I have peace. I’m resting. I’m not sad or regretful for myself. I didn’t know some things, but that was okay then. It was necessary for a moment, a mere blink. My age of women didn’t speak up. I wish I had, there really was nothing to lose. I didn’t know. I didn’t question. I felt things. I had something to say. I was important. Tell them to speak up. It’s important. That’s why we have a voice. Speak! Make your heart known. It’s important. My lord asked me, “Why is what you think or feel any less important than those beside you? You are everything to me. I, only I, am above you and with you my child. I walk in You. Take pleasure in knowing this truth.”

“Nan, I love you.” I say to her. 

“I know you do, Donna.” She replies. 


Me: “Steven, wait.” 

Steven: “It’s okay mom. You got this.”  

Me: “Can I just yell questions to you. Can you hear me if I do?”  

Steven: “There’s nothing I know that you don’t know. Nothing you’ll need. You know it... I promise.”  

Me: “What about all the kids?”  

Steven: “Mom. Really mom?! Rest! In all things!”


Okay, I feel this chemo day experience was a beautiful gift to me, in and of itself but there’s actually a whole story that goes on before it. This is what I remember of my morning once I started my chemo drip. It continued for 4-5 bags. I talked at length to my sweet Irish volunteer friend, Wyn. We spoke of my and her recent trips to Ireland. We were there at the same time and didn’t know it!

After the first bag was finished, the beeper went off and I shot up like a bullet. I didn’t know where I was. I was sleeping so soundly. That’s not typical for me at all. Also, maybe a week ago, Kailagh suggested I write about my chemo days in a place other than just texts, perhaps in an email to myself, instead. I’m not at all tech-savvy and I lose things in my phone pretty easily and often. These chemo day writings are precious to me so I thought I’d save them Kailagh’s way if I could this time.


After Wyn left, I called Colleen and told her I was ready. I felt like I may have dreamt in my sleep while at chemo, but because of my visit with Wyn, I thought my chemo day wouldn’t be like the others. I was okay with that. I felt there was a reason things happened as they had. God would surely let me process that out as well.

I got in the car and Colleen suggested I write things down as soon as possible, so I didn’t forget. She knows me well. I couldn’t do it Kailagh’s way right then, I’d have to figure that out later. For now, I’d just put a bit in my notes. I did what I could, which was very little. I flipped back and forth from email to notes to get an understanding of what I was doing. It wasn’t until about the 7th flip that I SAW IT!  That whole above entry was already emailed to me. I had already written it and sent it to myself. WHEN? I didn’t think I knew how to do that and I had no recollection of doing it.

I read it out loud to Colleen and to myself in the car. I couldn’t and didn’t believe I wrote what I was reading. I have no memory of it. It had to be done when I was conscious, right? It was yet another emotional, spiritual revelation of our beautiful, merciful God. What He does in my life never ceases to amaze me. I went into my day thinking as I always do, that perhaps I won’t get my typical “chemo day” today. I was so wrong. During my three years of chemo so far, not one chemo day experience was the same. I couldn’t possibly have ever dreamt as big as God has given me. I love my life. Thank you, Jesus.


Later that evening. . . .

After chemo, I realize I’m feeling a sense of urgency about processing what I’ve been given. I’m impatient. I want to understand it, NOW! I’ve kind of made myself sick and had a terrible headache throughout the night about this.


The Day After Chemo

I woke up with this headache. All day, I wrote, prayed, meditated, and processed. I read over what I wrote (was given) about 30 times. Each time, I found new, deeper truths. Clearly, I needed to be patient and be still. I needed to wait! I began to see a parallel between what Steven was telling me and what I was saying to my dad. I still haven’t processed this out all the way, yet. I was feeling anxious still, about processing sooner rather than later. I prayed throughout the night, on and off, about being still and patient.


The next day

I now had a clearer understanding about what I was given. Recently, I referred back to my first few chemo day writings. At the time, they were so profound to me. They were everything. They were a glimpse of a bigger God than I had ever known. But... I could not write about my visuals. There were just no words that were sufficient or adequate. So I had only pictures and feelings. Now, I look back and see my descriptions as so simplistic. I understand that my baby steps were necessary. I needed to get here slowly. God pre-set my path for me. My chemo day writings are now much more descriptive and detailed. I know now, that I understood truths when I was supposed to understand them. Slowly, to be ready for the next deeper truth to come.

The noteworthy understanding I gleaned from this chemo day, was that I had the God-given power to do what I did that day, all along. I just didn’t know it. I chose to run after Steven and BE there. I kept telling him that I had questions and he kept telling me I already had the answers, that he couldn’t tell me anything I didn’t already know.

I chose to see my dad and to interact and made a decision in the midst of that interaction.

I made a choice to seek out Nani and go to her. I chose to speak to her and be with her.

But clearly, at the time, I still didn’t “get it” that I was doing that. I was so easily distracted by the sight of Steven again and possibly having the opportunity to ask him questions.

Now, I know that he knew I was so close to being aware of what was happening. And he was done. It was over. I had it. I just didn’t know it. Yet. NOW. . .I know! God is amazingly awesome.


A Response from my forever Friend:

I love this. And I love you! God put you on my heart today. I was having a conversation with my son and I imagined for some reason that it would be similar to a conversation you would have with Steven.

Another response from a young Friend:

I think you're starting to see more clearly than ever. Nothing you've written makes me think otherwise. Just warms my heart to feel less alone on this journey.

Beautiful and encouraging to me.

Reminding me to use each moment fully.

These are "the good old days" - RIGHT NOW!

I want to enjoy willfully each precious moment.

I'm here if you ever need advice on "coming back to Earth" / grounding.

Me: 

I truly love you. You know?  Thank you for the support. Sharing takes bravery… I’m just starting to embrace that.

My young friend:

Reading this I realize I've withheld my voice from the world.

I don't share so much of myself...

If you ever feel so spaced out and can't "make it back" some simple grounding techniques:

-exercise

-cool shower

-eat heavy, filling food

-feet on Earth

Other techniques I can teach you if you're ever interested :)

Me:

The hardest thing for me has been seeing people’s aura. It’s overwhelmingly burdening. I want to fix it. I try to block it out, just to have an unavoidable relationship. I don’t like it, but I know I see it for a reason. I’m working on it. You are such an inspiring, generous teacher. Thank you for being willing. 


one month later

I’m processing it all. I have to confess, the last few days have been challenging for me. I realize I’ve been subconsciously holding myself to an unattainable emotional standard. Intellectually, I have had this notion that because God has given me above and beyond any expectation of a blessed, full and aware life, I could never entertain the idea of being sad or ungrateful, in any way. How dare I, right?

  

God has totally changed my life. The last four years, made all the previous years all worth it in my mind. I now have a life I couldn’t have dreamed of living, granted I never dreamed really big anyway... but I never saw these experiences coming. It’s been truly amazing... a life worthy of thankfulness. However, in the last month, some medical issues have been brought to my attention that have slowly been discouraging me and robbing me of MY joy. I say MY joy because I feel like mine is like no one else’s joy. That may sound pretty arrogant and assuming, but I just received MY joy on September 26, 2016. There has always been another word to define what I was ever feeling in my life. It certainly wasn’t joy. I’ve been happy and I’ve had fun, but THIS was something that God gave just FOR ME, in this season of my life. I’ve always been a planner, had schedules, and made lists. With six children in 12 years, I had to keep things reigned-in and organized. 

For the last five years, adjustments, flexibility, and open-mindedness came easily. I gave up my control. I’ve only had a few things or people to juggle in my mind at any given time. 

When my grandson, Simon, went back home on Wednesday, I could feel it all falling apart. I began repeating in my head, every word that’s been said to me by my doctors, nurses and PA’s recently. I wasn’t exaggerating the words, I was just letting them resonate and banish most other thoughts. I was becoming consumed and I was aware of it and I was allowing in it. What was happening to me? 

I am not my body. I am not my cancer. I am not my feelings. I AM A SOUL!!! I had an experience recently where I saw pieces of me flying away from myself. I was trying so hard to catch them to put myself back together. In that moment, I knew to ask myself, “Why? Why do I need myself together? Why aren’t pieces of me good enough for now?” I knew the answers then, but now, I was weak and tired. I felt alone and was wondering why God would let me feel this way after all we’ve been through together. It’s been mostly Him and me my whole life.

Usually, it’s been my thing to need answers, to know the why of a thing. But now I didn’t care about any answers. I just wanted to know that He didn’t leave me. I wanted to know that He was still beside me, that He still cared about and loved this little sparrow. Even now as I write this, I can’t believe I would ever question what I mean to Him.


I left the house this morning way earlier than I needed to leave, to meet my young barista friend. I had plenty of time to feel sorry for myself and cry about my immediate future (not my cancer). I got myself into quite an emotional state. If you know me at all, you know that I can get super disappointed in myself for my behavior, how I’m thinking, or how I’m feeling. This is not the ME that I want to be or the ME I feel God wants me to be. I dislike asking for help and have found this to be an advantage in my life. I’ve learned to be alone, how to do things for myself, what’s good and not good for me. I’ve learned a lot about myself. I still prefer to do whatever I can do, for myself, which by the way, I am totally aware is becoming less and less. I’m okay with that. It’s called aging. I’m infinitely grateful for each and every member of my family that fills in the gaps for me. Talk about a precious, invaluable bunch of humans! I treasure them and love them beyond words. 

I sat in my car, trying to get myself and my face together enough to go into public. I had my phone off to meet my barista friend, but flipped it back on for a moment so I could check the time. My phone just kept binging and binging. Message after message of unexpected encouragement and support. More beautiful thoughts and words than my brain and my heart could hold. Two people had sent me words yesterday that REAPPEARED AGAIN in this feed! Is that even possible? Is God still holding me close within His grasp? Is He still thinking of me? Am I still part of a defined beautiful plan? 

Yup, I’d say I’m well-loved and He just let Himself be known, yet again, through the text messages I received. I’m never alone. It’s all going to be okay. I’m okay. I’m joyful and have worth. Still! By the way, just to give you a glimpse of the sense of humor of our beautiful Savior, this visit has been planned with my barista friend for about three weeks, and our predetermined subject matter was. . . JOY!

I’m sharing these thoughts with you because I want you too, to be loved-on and encouraged. God chose you to speak through. I want to thank you for having the heart of Jesus to invest in me and be used by God for me. I’m so very blessed to have you in my life. God has been beyond loving, gracious, and merciful to me. Thank you for choosing to be part of my life journey. I love you with all my heart.


A Response from a sweet Friend:

Thank you for sharing this! I am certain that there will be days when things get heavier than others. You handle things with such grace. I am constantly amazed how even on the hard days, you keep your gaze on Him! I think it’s completely normal, Donna! You are going through a lot - mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. You wouldn’t be human if you didn’t ever have days when things seem a little harder. Not only do you have your Savior, but you have family and friends for those moments - people to “lift your arms” so to speak. God designed it that way for a purpose. I hope you are feeling better today, but if not, don’t hesitate to reach out. I’m here for you!! And I love you so very much!

 Me:

Thank you so very much for your constant support and encouragement. This was really the first time since I was diagnosed that I had a weak point. All is well. I snapped out of it. I know what goodness I’ve been given. I love you

 My friend:

That, in itself, is a miracle! I can’t believe that’s the first hard day you’ve had!! You are a trophy of His GRACE!!

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