The Betrayal
January 28, 2020
Today is the first day back at chemo after a long break. It wasn’t what I expected at all. I was writing as I was receiving words from God today. I continued to process and make sense where I could. I’m sorry I can’t really describe what I was seeing and hearing. Here’s what I have about my experience and what I was feeling that day. . .
I’m annoyed at what I've been shown today. I'm frustrated. I'm disgusted. I'm broken. I'm tired. I'm angry that this is put on me through no fault of my own. I’ve, in no way, orchestrated this. This is not fair. This is unjust. Not now! Why Now? I'm too weak! Aren’t I? I want OUT! Don’t I? I have questions! Is this reality? Is this my reality? Is this Truth? Did this really happen? Is it happening? What more will come? And to what end? Why did You want me to see this…to know this? I would have never known this, ever! What good can possibly come from this? It’s going to be so much harder now and it was pretty rough already. If this is not real and not truth, then what is it? (By the way, I’m not talking about my cancer here).
I was actually there, not standing or sitting, or actually physically at all… just there. Seeing my surroundings, listening. Eleven times, I watched what transpired, in one visit, like a spinning Rolodex.
Why was everything I saw today so scattered and not laid out flat? Why was there no rhyme or reason for the visuals? What could possibly be processed out of them? This is too hard, too painful. I’m tired. I don’t want to process such ridiculousness. I cried out to God, “Can’t You see I’m so tired? Can’t You just hold me and tell me why You let me see what was and is happening, that I was totally unaware of? What steps did I take that were such amiss, as to cause this to become mine? Did I really need this one more thing? Did I? What are You waiting for? If this is some kind of life lesson, what good can it possibly make at this point? This is making me lose fight. What more can I do? I’m done. I’m clearly not good at this. I can’t help well enough for it to matter. Never could.”
I know I’m better than this. Stop being so angry. Calm down. Breathe. You know at some point God is going to show you the beauty in this. He wants and knows what's best for you, always. He loves you.
I’m certain a phone is ringing inside my pillow, under my head, no matter which way I turned. I normally am laying on my back during chemo, with my blanket on me up to my neck, with my hand exposed so my nurse can scan my bracelet. This time, I was tossing and turning, hanging my head over the sides to avoid the ringing as much as possible. I even got up at one point and took my pillow case off and thoroughly examined the pillow. I punched the heck out of that thing. Nothing. Where is this ringing coming from? Nothing on the floor or under the bed.
I kept turning over and over to get comfortable. I just couldn't at all, throughout the whole day. I had heebie-jeebie legs (restless leg syndrome). I kept turning to get into a ball shape. I couldn't get small enough. That seemed to be important. This situation went on for 5 hours. I was nauseous the whole time. I could see there was a dog standing stoically, about 20 feet away from me, on a sidewalk, in a neighborhood. He was a white and copper, long-haired, pointed-faced breed (I can't think of it now). In a split second, he was just a foot from my face, not at all threatening. I could understand everything he was communicating to me. He actually never barked or opened his mouth. I know it had something to do with what I deserved or what I needed or what I should have. I can’t remember anything else about the communication between us.
On a side note, when we got home, my daughter, Colleen, looked up the symbolism of dogs. She found that dogs symbolize guidance and protection and loyalty. They are teachers. If a dog spirit comes into your life, it may signify that you are a loyal and true friend. People who are experiencing loneliness or a betrayal may find a dog spirit appearing in their lives as a reminder that loyalty exists. Dogs are particularly drawn to humans who show service and loyalty to others. The dog spirit animal also comes when a soul calls out for aid. If a dog spirit is nudging you, be aware. There may be problems afoot that you cannot immediately see. The dog spirit always reminds you to maintain your integrity and faithfulness with all the gentle souls that share your life, both human and animal. I’m honored this beautiful sweet animal came to me.
This is the closer picture I could find of a dog that resembled the one I saw from my dream.
I was uncomfortable, tired, and feeling sick the whole time. I was so thirsty. I drank so much... I even drank unfiltered water. I think there's a chance that if Colleen had come back early, I would have made an excuse to leave with her.
There was an excessive amount of noise in the infusion center today, construction perhaps. Also, I saw (I literally saw) a lot of police officers and they were gathered in the hall. There were also officers in a nearby room. It didn't concern me at all, as I never remembered to ask about it. I looked on my phone when I got home, and was shocked to see that I had taken pictures of the police in the hallway. Haha, I’m a hoot! I must have felt at peace that they were there.
My thoughts are so random. Why I’m telling you this right now, I don’t know. The lady two seats down from me with the lovely red Easter Sunday type hat, had been on the 10th floor of the Twin Towers on 9/11. She knows she is a miracle and speaks of it.
Okay, focus… I'm feeling numb. I can't even cry. My heart right now is either in pieces or it’s stone. If what I was shown is truth, what should I do with it? Do I help in some way? Do I ignore or be alert and at the ready and on guard? Should I wonder about the possibilities, if it was acted upon? Should I fear for those around me? Should I be around others less? Should I leave? Should I move away, alone?
What should I do with this information, that I don't even understand why you gave it to me? It would have been fine to not know this. Wouldn't it? It’s been fine, sort of, til now. This is awkward! Cringe-worthy! Make things go back to 2016! No... I know that's wrong. I must go forward, I plead with you to make me see the good in this. Let me see the joy that could come out of this. Please!
I think deep down I know it's true. How can I do a true life, put on a sincere smile, hug with feelings that I can't help but feel? I'm a human being! I'm so flawed. Can I, will I ever, with the time I have left, ignore and forgive? Please help me to want to. Please help me to see through your eyes, I can't help but wonder why I deserve this through my last days on earth. Is this in lieu of major physical pain? I feel so stuck, like I can't go forward and I know I can't go back. I feel I did nothing to deserve this, and I know I also deserve anything you see fit to give me, to mold me. I know it's meant for me. But why?
I could pat myself on the back and say. . .but I'm a nice person, I've tried to be generous and love on people well. I've tried to be the hands and feet of Jesus, I've been a faithful prayer, I've tried to be humble (failing often). I've tried to be a good mom, I tried to be a good neighbor and a good citizen. I've tried to be honest and gentle. Please dear Lord, what do you want from me? I never saw it coming! Did I not want to see it? Of course, I didn't! Is there something I can do? Burden the heck out of me if I can. Please be blunt because you know I'm pretty dense. OR... do I just get out of my own way and watch? Are you preparing my heart? Okay! Bring it on! I'll be as tough and ready as you want me to be. Do you think I won't love you anymore? Are you testing me? You already know what I’ll do, how I'll handle this. So do I!
Are these chemo days going to get so tough that I’ll be praying to die? I don’t know if I’m tough enough. I don’t know if I’m strong enough. I don’t know if I can do this. But I do know that you never left me and I’ll never leave you. I’m going to pray constantly, that this is all because you love me so much that you want me to know and have that same love you have for your children. Nothing good comes easily.
Processing it all. . . .
As I’ve been processing this, God has confirmed that there actually is someone who doesn’t wish me well. It was initially very hard to understand this. I didn’t want to see it and I had absolutely no idea. God used this time to prepare my heart for all this. Also, it processed out that it was, in one sense, more about me than that person. I don’t say what I saw, heard, or who it was. That would change that person’s life forever, not for the best. I want no part in that. It’s all a beautiful thing.
I believe EVERYTHING comes from God. . . even the very mysterious dog encounter. God had His hand in that too. It was no accident. I don’t believe anything I see or encounter on chemo day is an accident. It’s intentional and beautiful. I usually don’t understand it at the time, but God lets me process out His gifts for me. That’s the whole point. I need to get it on a long meditative, prayed-over path that's meant just for me. I’m blessed.
One month later
First of all, I know I’m shown images that seem out of place and someone could ask, “God showed you that? Really?” YES! Why couldn’t God use anyone and anything to get my attention and meet me where I am? We should ALL be so blessed to have God meet us intimately at all! Have joy for me, please! I have joy for you, unconditionally! I love you so much.
Okay, back to it. I’ve been processing this out for weeks. It’s definitely gone down a path that I didn’t initially expect. After many conversations with my daughter Colleen, and my son, Brian, I feel like I'm getting a better handle and understanding of what all this was telling me, about myself and my life and how I was treated. When I was growing up, and really, throughout married life and child-raising years, we didn’t have the self-help or self-love tools that are available today. Emotional, physical, or psychological abuse and injustices were terms that were never spoken of. It all got lumped together under the consequences of making life mistakes, bad judgment calls, or just your lot in life. You made the best of it.
Unfortunately, whether you’re a daughter, a wife, a sibling, or a mother, you just sucked it up. You played your role. If you did it well, there would be less suffering for all involved. You may have been well aware there were things just not right, but there was no one listening, no one to talk to, no one with answers, no one who cared. I, somehow, always knew deep inside me, I had a Savior. He deliberately would be holding onto me for all these decades. Early on, I developed a survival mechanism of blocking things out. Issues, people, and injustices would attack me in life and I’d store them deep down and move forward. Over and over. Decade after decade. I determined my priorities in life. I've always had a really heightened sense of responsibility. I determined, unconsciously, that it was the loving, selfless, only correct way to deal with life and family.
My heart paid a heavy price over the years. More often than not, I never addressed the issues. When I did, they were always invalidated. What I, and many others of my generation, was unaware of, were the consequences of ignoring my mind and body. Everything I was storing away, to save anyone else from, was physically destroying me. Now, bookstores are filled with information attributing disease in the body linked to mental, emotional, and psychological neglect or trauma. It's not shocking to me to become aware of the correlation between where I stored my hurt for decades and the fact that I have cancer in my gut.
Fortunately for me, when I was diagnosed in 2016, I had way too much joy going on, to ever entertain the idea of being bitter, holding a grudge or denying love, to anyone. I honestly felt like I couldn't love big or often enough. I know this was not my doing. I know God did that for me, without doubt. Be aware, people. You’re valuable. Every part of YOU is connected, AND we’re all connected, so take care of your body and mind, for yourselves and each other, always. When your children are very young, teach them to take care of and love themselves well, to have a good handle on how to love on others well.
Apparently, I have been and continue to suppress and block out the fact that not all people treat me with respect and value. It became what I felt I must deserve and I strived to be a better person. I was fooling myself. I remember visiting with Nani, my husband’s mom, during one of my chemo days not long ago. I remember her saying, regarding herself, “I had a voice. I had opinions. Speak up!”
The last five years have taught me much. I went through whatever I did, in the last 60 years, to become who I am now. I needed all of it. It was exactly who I should have been all along the way. This chemo day revelation is actually going on in my life, but it has nothing to do with me. It's not about how another person is affecting my life. That’s more of a life lesson for that person than it could ever be for me. I’m consciously aware that everyone is going through their own silent battles, that no one knows anything about. I am perfectly going through life and experiencing everything, as it is to happen for me. I continue to learn the life lessons God has, just for me. I know I must be intentional about breaking this bond I have with blocking things out. It was how I survived and lived for decades. It was a coping mechanism. It was wrong. It wasn't helping longterm. There was and is a better way. Are these lessons just for me, probably not. We’re meant to learn from and teach each other. I continue to be the most blessed, thankful person I know.
Okay, I’m back with more thoughts. . . .
Why don’t we treat each other better?! For the most part, we’re talking about people we claim to love. We do life with these people, interacting at least 10 times a month or more, or we have history with them. We know them, at least what they've let us see of themselves. Do we feel weak if someone knows too much about us? Will they use it against us? Do we feel like we’re better than other people in certain areas of our lives? Do you feel that you deserve more and better because of your assessment of what they’ve done in life? Did they work as hard for what they have and who they are, as you have? Do you rank your efforts and struggles against theirs and deem them unworthy of being loved-on too much? Do you feel when someone is lowered and “put in their place”, that you rise? What sets you apart, to think you deserve love, but someone else doesn’t deserve the same, based on…whatever…?
Life is a mystery to navigate. We’re challenged and struggle to do our best with the tools, with which we’ve been equipped. We don't set out to do our worst in life. Yes, some of us were wired with less natural instincts and intuitive sensibilities than others. That’s good. We’re all different…we have to be.
One might consider being discerning about relationships and pass onto others, the undeniable human pleasure of loving with no conditions. Make it visible. Make it consistent and sincere. These are human beings, hurting, struggling, living the best they know how, with the information they know at the time. People, please, give grace! Want the best for others! These are people that we’re claiming to love, remember? Or do we really not? If you don’t or can’t, not only are you lying to them, but you’re lying to yourself, about who You are. Who are you?! Who do you want to be. . . ?