The Talking Coin
November 27, 2020
I prayed and meditated for about a half hour (I think) that God would meet me today. I was so tired. Almost immediately, as I shut my eyes, I began to process out two dreams I had recently. I imagined God saying to me, “I’ve been waiting for you to be still with me so I can talk to you about what you envisioned this week.”
First of all, I dreamt of a coin talking to me. For the sake of her privacy, I need to keep God’s words to myself. It represented my beautiful Beth. I would never in a million years have figured that out on my own. Isn’t that just beautiful.
I also had a dream that I was hijacking a tractor trailer filled with Legos. He showed me what that strange dream meant as well. It represented me building something I would then give away. It represented the writings and shared feelings in my blog, that was always meant to be, from day one in 2016. I just didn’t know it till 2020. Everything included was prayed over. Many shared dialogs were not included because, upon praying over them, my heart was burdened and heavy, so as not to share. I’m so thankful Kailagh listened to the sweet whispers she was receiving about building this blog for me, because I needed more than an idea and encouragement.
The next image I had was of a family member. To honor their privacy, I need to be vague. You see...to me these images I get are totally real. They are happening, have happened or will happen. These images today were making me crumble into a million pieces. I felt my body trying to get small in my infusion chair. I was feeling like nothing and I wanted to be nothing.
This was going to be a rough day and it happened so fast, I had no time to prepare...but God did! I knew I needed to lift my head and look up. I did and there was Mr. Smith walking toward me. Not really physically, but this is what I was seeing. He was so happy to see me. He looked at me and told me he was going to sit beside me all day and hold my hand. He said he was also there for Colleen. I started to cry over the beauty of this moment. I got out of my coiled up position and layed on my back. My eyes were open and I saw the little Irish lady that I once had an encounter with at Walmart, as she also appeared in one of my previous chemo day experiences. She walked toward me. Not really physically, but this is what I was seeing. She asked, “Do you remember me? Darlin’, today you need the strength of angels. You can't do everything alone. We're all here for you.”
Back to Mr. Smith...he began to talk about this family member that I was thinking about as if he knew them inside out. I surely didn’t, and as much as the family member thought they “got” most of it, they didn't. Mr. Smith said the family member was rebellious, obstinate, defiant and full of love, real deep love. Can you even believe this! Back in 2015, these were words God encouraged me to rid out of my character. I’m really in awe right now, through my tears.
The reality of it is... I’m going to die no matter what I do, at precisely the designated time, no matter how I live my life. We all are!
Still... my earthly, fleshly heart is broken and crushed just knowing the concerns regarding my loved and valued beyond words family member. If you’re a praying person, meditating person, or sending good vibes person, please consider to do so over this precious treasure of a human.
Mr. Smith said, “You know I’ll have to leave before Colleen gets back?” I tell him I understand.
I’ve really been in very unexpected pain for about a month. I was very assuming and got too comfortable. For the first 3 years of living with cancer, I had no pain. I just assumed I’d live pain free with tremendous energy and then one of those ‘normal’ days, I’d die. Pain started in March 2020, when drug changes were needed. But in October 2020, pain went to a new level. God had been preparing me in baby steps. I was introduced to breathing techniques that I embraced and practiced diligently. If my timing is right, I can totally control my pain now. The pain is in my abdomen. I should mention I have lost 45 pounds since March.
As I was laying in my infusion chair today, still holding the hands of Mr. Smith and the Irish lady, God spoke to me about what he had done for me that I’m still not noticing. I’m a belly and side sleeper by the way. He said, “I saw to it that you don’t have your belly any more. You use a pillow to support your abdomen now, to alleviate pain. How much more painful would it be if you had so much more belly to support and try to get rid of pain for yourself.” He asked me to recognize this and be grateful. He asked me to thank my body for serving me well and be grateful for the beautiful, very tough mind and body I was given. He also asked me to go to my dad for just a blink and thank him for how well he listened to the whispers he was given and how well he took care of me for a month after my surgery in 2017. He had no idea how to care for me or that he was being told how. He did a beautiful job out of love for me and God was so pleased with him. He loved on me well.
He asked me to be thankful for my nurse sister, Renee, for staying with me in the hospital and at home after my surgery. She was invaluable, a precious, selfless soul. She loves me well, always.
The impressions I was given along my cancer journey have been revisiting me lately, like coming full circle. The lessons I may not have learned well or thoroughly have been reintroduced. I’ve learned to embrace the fact that I really can’t do anything about the situations I’ve seen that will occur after I’m gone from this reality, unless God chooses for me to do so. God’s hand will be over all of it. I have to trust that it will work out for the good and the timing of it all will be perfect. I don’t have to like it or understand it right now. I will one day. I do know it's beautiful, intricate, and supernatural.
I’ve been praying over what I just wrote. God impressed on me concerning what I wrote about a family member… whatever family member thinks it's about them, needs to think it’s about them. Isn’t that kind of amazing!