When I saw my Higher Self


October 29, 2020

Here’s what I experienced at Chemotherapy today. . .

I just looked over and saw myself sitting in an infusion chair beside myself. I saw Kailagh and Colleen walking towards me. They walked passed me, and directly to the me beside myself. I couldn't stop crying because they walked right passed me, to get to her. I was beyond sad. They sat next to her and lingered on her every word. Literally, tears wouldn't stop running down my cheeks. I could hear them. She was so brave. She was killing it in the “people” area. She had long term plans. She knew everything about her prognosis, medications, and possible alternatives, and embraced them readily.

Me, on the other hand, was not ever going to be good enough. I heard people whispering this in my ear. She was lovely. She had many other, non physical attributes that I also possess, so I had that going for me. She had so much more light on her. . .on her side of the room. I can feel her observing me. I know she sees me crying. She's longer, taller, than me. I feel she knows me and wants the best for me. She's sending me really good vibes and I feel it. I have a strong need to befriend her. She impresses on me that she's proud of me for how I handled and almost totally purged a very sad and unfortunate issue in my life, that was brought to my attention a week and a half ago. She knows I didn't block it out, as I normally would. She recognizes that I'm processing it out and seeing it for what it is.

I'm hearing “Strawberry Fields Forever,” playing in my background, but there's actually no music being played in the infusion center. Haha!

I want to reach out and tell Kailagh and Colleen to be patient with me, that I'm a really quick learner and I'll be like her soon. I'm trying, but they can't see or hear me. I tried to slip into her seat and be one with her. BE her. For a split second, I thought I had done it, but I peeked down at myself and I was still in my own chair.

My daughters are such wonderful daughters. I'm an empath, so I easily weep for those poor mom-souls that are out there everywhere, not experiencing life with children like my own. Children that care and are loving to me. They love on me so well, more than I deserve. 

Many issues and people are flooding my brain and I have no control over it. I realize they ultimately have nothing to do with me. I can't fix it or them. They must walk their own path. They need this for their own healing and growth and for what will be for the better of them. I'm not wallowing in it. 

I now have come to understand that life is pretty tough sometimes and we need to embrace it, meet it head on, and not wallow in it. . . one hurt at a time. Don't drag out the pain. Process, learn, and move on, never looking back with anger or regret. We must find and get the tools we might need to help us. We're better, bigger and have more power in us than we realize. Investigate and practice how to navigate that fact as well. Don't be frustrated if it takes months or years. Find the joy. It's there, I promise.

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I’m a Liar