Trust What’s Happening
February 12, 2018:
When I have to wait a long time for numbers to come back, my OCD kicks in. I hope no one has noticed. Most folks doze off. I've straightened all the magazines and put all the books in alphabetical order. I've arranged all the blankets according to the order of the rainbow and made all the drawers level. They'd better come back soon. There's nothing left to do and everyone is sleeping.
Labs finally came back. This is what God gave me today during chemo. I actually had to read it over to see what was written. He is so generous and loving to do this for me! This is the message he impressed on me for everyone…
Concentrate and focus on the priorities of YOUR life at the PRESENT time and disengage and discard the things of minimal importance, wasteful but not totally unnecessary. It’s only entertainment in reality. Souls and relationships matter. Becoming more aware of the bigness and limitlessness of ourselves is important. It’s forever and always on different levels. Even if we don’t totally understand, embrace that FACT. We’ll grow into the obvious. There’s no way to avoid it once you’ve stepped into it. It’s just timing. And time is actually irrelevant now (in the reality of my new existence).
God’s unrestrained reach is at play here. Don’t get in His way. Trust what’s happening. It’s done in and with love, a love that we’ve not expressed to another earthly soul. Don’t be fooled by your own prideful assumptions of that love or yourself. Accept what you MUST! It’s an unreturnable, sweetly, and generously-given gift of grace.
Look deeply and see yourself. I AM ALL that I’ve been looking to be given by my sweet Jesus. He’s been here with me all along. He’s never left me. Along my journey since birth, I’ve made choices to not see, not to hear, not to feel what’s been truly mine, through faith. I’ve doubted, I’ve been weak, I’ve been fed impurities of all earthly sorts (mind, body, and soul) and I’ve been angry. These things only caused blindness and wasted so much time. But WHY? Why did I do it to myself?
I chose! It’s now irrelevant. Most importantly, He chose Me! It’s life-changing to choose. Every one makes an impact. Choose in love. God is love and that’s where He wants me, FOREVER!
Processing it all. . . .
This chemo day was different don't you think? And “Forever” is now such a small word. I also KNOW this won't be my last battle. But it's all good. I'm not concerned. I have no control over it anyway so why waste my time with it. Clearly, the Holy Spirit lives within us. Therefore it's not just the 4 of us hanging out. It's ONE. If Christ lives within us and we are "one" with Christ and the trinity is three in one... we are truly one.
I really have to mull over all of this. You don't understand. Maybe I make myself a fool to say it all aloud, but I had to read what was written when I was done writing what was given to me today. As if I didn't write it… it was written TO me. Wild, I know.
As it stands, until The Holy Spirit walks with me through understanding, I, frankly take issue with some statements and phrases. So as you see, I'm still and always will be a work in progress. I love all of you so much. I so appreciate the fact that God allowed me more time and chances to grow and to change and to have opportunities to love you well. I can't thank you enough for all you do for me. You're angels on earth to me. I love you with my whole heart.
I thank God every day for the blessing of my cancer and my chemo days and for waking me up in so many ways. I could have left this earth without ever seeing and knowing that there was MORE! He blessed me.
I know we're on different levels of the same path. We're all on different journeys that lead to the same place. Some of us deeper, some of us lighter, but I never feel invalidated or elementary by any of you. I only feel love and support on my very slow, and late journey. But I also feel, as we communicate, we uplift, console our struggling spirits, and give each other a sense of peace. I value and appreciate all of you so much.
A response from a young Friend:
I love your joyful, peaceful spirit. You are a warrior for God and it's so inspiring. You are a living testimony to dying to flesh as in Romans 8 and using suffering for the glory of God, building His kingdom, truly rejoicing in suffering....so beautiful. I love you very much! Continuing to pray!