Meeting Mr. Smith
April 23, 2017
Another chemo day…
There's an incredible and hilarious 86 year old man seated next to me. He asked his nurse if he was going to live or die here today. He's singing gospel music. It's killing me. I love it so much. He might as well be singing Auld Lang Syne, which for some reason, has brought me to tears, since I was a little girl.
I found that he worked on a cotton plantation with his 24 siblings. He's amazing. His name is Mr. Smith. At 12 years old, he was expected to lift and work like an adult man. His body paid a heavy price over the years. He's beautiful. He knew I was praying for his IV insertion to work and it did.
He said, “You young sweet child, you lay STILL right there long side me. I have me a list for you so you done focus your heart on me for a spell. You child, let me know when your heart done filled up.”
JUST KILL ME NOW! Is this for real!?
Oh, sweet Jesus! Mr. Smith is singing “Summertime”! Can I really ever be given more than I already have? God is so generous and loving to me. He then started singing “Many A Tear” and I fell asleep.
Yet another beautiful chemo day.
But why? Why was all this beauty given to me? I don't know what to make of all this sometimes. Certainly, I see this as a sweet gift from God, but it's really so unexplainably big. So humbling, so random, and yet obviously intentional.
This was one of my favorite days. I never met anyone like Mr. Smith. I wish I could adopt him.
So here’s what God allowed me to process about this chemo session today. . .
"Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather be afraid of the One who can destroy both body and soul in hell. Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. And even the hairs of your head are all numbered. So don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows" Matthew 10:28-31.
This is a message of reassurance and hope. He tells us 365 times in the Bible, not to be afraid. This is a powerful reason not to be. I shouldn't be afraid to be brave. What's the worst thing that can happen? So I could die! I’ve said it before, it's a win-win. I'm a child of the King. I'm an eternal soul. Fear is debilitating. But in my case, it's not fear of death…at all. It's fear of letting go of what I've been conditioned to know as truth; the only reality I know to be the me I’ve come to know. This is not what God wants for me. Never did! How do I let go of what I ‘know’ to be true? Why would I not want to be saved from this and be safe? Why would I let this continue in my head? Why would I want this for myself? Why won't I believe God and Steven and just accept their words as truth? Lord, please help me to let go of what's truly not real and not truth.
This is a new beginning for me, in so many ways. I'm praying to be bolder. I'm praying for courage to shout truth from the rooftops. I'm praying to not always do the safe thing. I have nothing to lose. God has shown there is no negative consequence to the choice He knows I will make. What's ahead of me...I don’t know.
Who will give me grace and love me through whatever journey God will take me on... it doesn't matter! Whatever and whoever will be in my life and walk beside me and give me grace, has already been decided. God will continue to transform lives around me, for the good. Romans 8, 28-29…we will be His tapestry.
I pray God will keep me aware of where He is at work around me. That I may be experiencing God. I pray to see through His eyes and hear through His ears. I pray to be His hands and feet in my community. I pray to be fierce, sensitive, fearless and generous to the broken. I pray to be humble and still to hear His words for me. I thank God for the realities and truths that he’s shown me. I'm overwhelmed and continue to process. He's so much bigger and loves so much more immensely than we can truly imagine. We are small but used well. Bring glory to Him! Suppress the desire to make it all about us. It's so not! It's very hard, but the Holy Spirit will assist you.
Embrace the notion of angels among us. It's real. Be aware. Remember and embrace the fact that GOD CAN DO ANYTHING! Seriously, you don’t even know.
This is the last day of this battle, at least as far as these chemo cycles are concerned. I won’t forget that He told me this won’t be my last battle. Actually, it will be my battle until it wins. But my journey now begins. As I heard sung in church on Sunday, “I lift my eyes up, My help comes from the Lord.”
I had a recent and ongoing struggle in my life. The Lord was well aware of this. I know this will sound too unbelievable to many, but I'm choosing to be transparent anyway. On April 20th, Steven came up alongside me. I didn't see his face. He made this statement to me. YOU CAN BREATHE… if you choose to. There is, of course, a story that goes along with these words. It may seem very inconsequential to most, but to me it was very pertinent and profound. Just know...there are no hallucinogens in my medication. I see this as “help from the Lord.”
This is very reassuring to me as far as Steven is concerned. God chooses to connect us as He sees fit. He is a loving, merciful, compassionate, comforting God. I am in very good hands. I'm very grateful to have had the opportunity to be so personally shown this truth. I know immensely more of my God since chemo. I urge and challenge you all to be STILL with Him. This is good for you. Don't put it off. You don't know what tomorrow brings. You couldn't be more important to Him. You are loved by Him much more than is conceivable by you.
I’d like to tell you the story about Steven coming up alongside me, during infusion today. You're going to have to use your imagination a bit to come close to envisioning this. I was shown a large see through glass tinker toy type of object. It was suspended in front of me. Lit up, colorful streaks of light were passing through it very quickly. It was in constant motion, reshaping and rebending at its junctions. I knew this was parallel to Me, living, breathing and existing. God was impressing on me that there would be no negative consequence to this image if I stopped breathing. Not good, not bad. So, I made a choice to not breathe. The object immediately stopped moving. Life… I'm tired, I’m running out of use, I feel I made little difference…I’m done.
In reality, I truly believe, I may have actually stopped breathing in my infusion chair. It all happened so very fast, that it went unnoticed. As I was not breathing, Steven came beside me. He said, “No Mom! You have this all wrong”. We rose higher and he asked me to look down on my life. I saw everything, from beginning to present. I couldn't see the point or I was deliberately in denial. Steven wouldn’t let up. He was determined that I would see what was necessary. God wanted me to see the value of why I was on this planet; what I did with my life and the people I affected in any way; that I mattered, that I wasn’t done!
Steven said, “You can breathe, if you choose to.” I immediately started breathing and once again got a quick glimpse of the moving object. Steven was gone, my eyes were open and I was awake. I was totally exhausted and felt so emotional. I had so much going on in my head. My heart was racing. I just wanted to go home, lie down, and revisit my day in my mind until I fell asleep.
This is where my first tattoo came from. Could you even imagine having an experience like this? It didn’t feel like a dream. It felt like this literally happened to me. I totally believe it did. You're welcome!