It Started with a Tree
February 4, 2020
It started with a Tree. I knew, without words, that I would walk with Jesus today. I felt it. He talked to me so much. We had conversations and I wouldn’t utter a single word out loud. Well, at one point, I was aware that I said out loud, “so many metaphors.”
I was immediately at the bottom of about a 1/8 of a mile incline, it wasn’t terribly steep. I was looking up toward a huge, beautiful, leafless, but extremely healthy tree. I felt the light in the infusion room was a large factor in how I saw some images, as there was a large light panel directly over my head. When I turned my head to the right, the fractals became visible but quite dark. Jesus asked me to refrain from choosing the right, yet darker side. I would gain far less and have questions with answers that would not project me forward.
There was a water wave visual, that occasionally washed over this countryside view, as though it was a typical natural occurrence. Every time the water visual occurred, an image of my son, Brian, came into my mind. I didn’t wonder why too long, as it was giving me a sense of peace and it gave me comfort. I needed to know this was going to be a solid, stressless, comforting, stable day. Brian was there all day, well aware of everything I was doing and who I was with. The smile never left his face.
When the water would wave out of my visual frame, all of the areas surrounding the tree became beautiful fractals that continued to morph into beautiful shapes that were delicately designed. Jesus urged me to admit to myself and embrace the depth of what I was seeing. He urged me to focus and see underneath it, to be intentional to see deeper. I struggled, for what seemed to be hours, to do this.
I didn’t take time to understand or try to figure out the particulars, I just knew that the trying and this effort to understand deeper was important for my healing and my growth. Also, in my relationship with Him, I’ve never known Him to be anything but intentional and loving. I knew I had to give it a go. I wanted to. It was exhausting. I felt like crying or being sick quite often. I was tossing and turning constantly. My legs felt like they were moving on the inside and I wanted so much to be rid of this constant irritating sensation. It was draining me, for hours.
Jesus never left me. He was talking to me the whole time, encouraging me to focus deeper and encouraging me in my frustration. As hard as I tried, I just kept retreating to my initial image of the tree, over and over. He told me I wasn’t to go back to the beautiful tree image. I was to always start again where I left off. I would go three or four levels deep and the beautiful, wavy water would wash the image out of my focus. I was becoming depleted.
At one point, I realized I must be seeing yet another layer because there appeared to be side views of half of a brain, but only a few. All the intricacies of the brain were outlined in a deep red-purple color. They were morphing into different shapes on top of beautifully colored fractals. Jesus told me not to dwell on the order of these, as I was trying to make any sense of what I was seeing. They would always be transforming as I grew. He was answering the many questions He knew I had in my head, without me uttering a word.
He said to me,“Yes, all of this is yours. You possess it. You’ll know what it is when you need to use it. You’ve actually been using these for quite some time.”
He was pushing me, urging me, ever so gently, to try to go deeper. He couldn’t have been more forgiving and comforting at my failing. I was terribly distraught that I was letting Him down, letting me down. I wanted to be successful at whatever He had for me. He put His hand on my shoulder. In the moment of that action, I knew, without any words, immense levels of love and I knew He was telling me I would never not be His. There was nothing I would do or could do that would be wrong in His eyes. . .or mine.
He knew immediately that I took issue with wrong in MY eyes. I know myself well. I know what I’m capable of. I’m capable of not loving myself well, for one thing. He was quick to cover me in a blanket of “you asked and I sent it.” When I wasn’t looking for the answers, I never saw what He gave me. He told me to be patient with myself, that I had made tremendous progress. I had capabilities that He needed me to embrace and call mine. He knew how every moment would play out, long before we started. It was all for me.
I was utterly defeated as a human being last week during chemo. He was now showing me what lengths He would go to, to show me my strength and the power I possess. He gives me what I need, when I need it. I need to know and understand what I’m capable of, for my own good and understanding of myself.
I just remembered another image. It was of my own eye; the surrounding skin, my blinking lashes and intricate parts, visible, if someone were to look at me. However, I only saw it upside down. I had quite a few questions in my head about this. He wanted me to be aware of how I (we) see things. We see things, situations, issues, people, the way we do, in large part because of where we live, who we’re surrounded by, and the influences they’ve had on us, learned experiences, our society, our culture etc.
We should look at all things from skewed angles. Not everything is aligned as we see fit. This was all an intentional design to grow us, to be very aware of how we are all connected and learn to do life on this planet as one. We need to embrace that notion or we’ll perish as a whole. . .but only in this place. God’s placement of all, is nothing we can define. We literally have no perspective on this. There are many sleeping and arrogant enough to argue this point. Fool hardy and void of much.
I admit this was taking a toll on me physically. I knew I had a fever and I had great pain in my abdomen. I was extremely hungry, but couldn’t eat. I was very weak and shaky and I was thirsty beyond words. I felt the responsible thing to do was to interrupt what was happening to me. I needed to drink water, but couldn’t quite become totally conscious in order to do so.
I haphazardly opened my water bottle and started drinking. For all intents and purposes, I was still asleep. My son, Steven, quickly shouted out to me, “MOM!” and I immediately became alert. I do believe I was drinking for quite some time and wasn’t really breathing. I think I might have been passing out. Steven didn’t stay with me. He just, maybe. . .saved me. Every seat in infusion was taken and it was extremely busy. The incident could very easily have gone unnoticed. Most people lay there sleeping, looking quite normal. We’re not on breathing or heart monitors. Steven always gives me yet another reason to be his proud mom.
Jesus, being the loving Father that He is, gave me peace and comforted me by taking away the horrible restlessness in my legs and allowed me to stop tossing. I was so exhausted. I fell deeply asleep until Colleen came to pick me up. It was a forced, willed awakening. I wanted to go home, go to eat, or do anything that would take me forward and give me energy. Through all of the many aspects of this challenging day, I felt cared for, loved and had a great sense of security. He even knew this little sparrow would be comforted more with, not one, but two of my sons interceding in my weak moments.
This is a beautiful example of how we, as parents should intercede on behalf of our always developing children. Guide them, in their innocence, to become proper humans and citizens on this planet. Don’t neglect the simple, yet honoring aspects of engaging with other humans with dignity and integrity, as to develop a proper character, see others through the eyes of Jesus and be the hands and feet of Him to others, ALL others. We need to nurture our children’s sensibilities concerning compassion and support of the folks God puts in our path, for whatever not obvious, intentional reason.
I loved my day, no matter how challenging. I love my life. I couldn’t dream bigger than God has given me. As a parent, I’m thinking that knowing and loving God well, is knowing and loving yourself well. These chemo days are getting more intense and challenging, but I’ve never learned and been exposed to more truths in my whole life. Thank you Jesus, for this very generous, loving gift.
I have no idea why, but as soon as I finished writing, a song came into my head and I couldn't get it out. It’s an oldie and it may be corny, but pretty darn beautiful too. God gave it to me for a reason so I'll share. I feel the words God and love can be interchanged. If you know this song, do yourself a favor and read the words rather than sing them.
Up Where We Belong
Song by Jennifer Warnes and Joe Cocker
Who knows what tomorrow brings
In a world few hearts survive
All I know is the way I feel
When it's real, I keep it alive
The road is long
There are mountains in our way
But we climb a step every day
Love lift us up where we belong
Where the eagles cry
On a mountain high
Love lift us up where we belong
Far from the world below
Up where the clear winds blow
Some hang on to used to be
Live their lives looking behind
All we have is here and now
All our lives, out there to find
The road is long
There are mountains in our way
But we climb a step every day
Love lift us up where we belong
where the eagles cry
On a mountain high
Love lift us up where we belong
Far from the world we know
Where the clear winds blow
I’ve since done a little investigating on this song’s writers and the meaning behind these words. Now I see this song as intentionally given to me and very lovely. Here you go, in case you’re interested:
This song is about the love, peace, acceptance, and connectedness between all humankind.
Life is tough and full of hardships. What will make it better is when there is love we feel for one another and this love will lift us up where we belong, it will transcend all, cure-all, it will make miracles. This love will lift us up from the difficult world in which we know... that world of wars, conflict, hate, judgment, prejudice, discrimination, resistance. . .all this will be left behind or down under when we love and accept one another.
Let's not hang on to the past and look behind us. What happened is over and there is nothing we can do to change it... let's forgive ourselves for hurting others and forgive others for hurting us because time runs out and it would be a waste to cry over the past. ALL THAT MATTERS IS LIVING IN THE PRESENT MOMENT, IN THE NOW, because that's all we've got and we have a lot to look forward to.